Thankful Schmankful. Get ready for the roller coaster ride of credit card debt and family member induced jags into the witness protection program, also known as "the holidays." Hell, here we go.
This week is like the part of the roller coaster ride where you start to freak out just a bit. You realize its too late to bail out, and your car is creeping closer and closer to the top. Which means it's nearly time to feel the long, painful, scary drop...that lasts for about 4-6 weeks. Hell.
If this all sounds foreign to you, hit the back button on your browser and buy a souvenir before jumping ship. Then come back and see us after January 1. For the rest of you? Let's dish.
Family gatherings, or more succinctly, the threat of family gatherings, can be enough to send us underground. In fact, one of us? Has made that an annual family tradition. No one in her family can find Zoey come Turkey Day, and that? Ain't an accident. Thankful Schmankful.
Here's the "my family is hella crazy" escape plan, via Zoey Shea.
1. Use the Marbles in the mouth approach. When you get that call, usually sometime in September, asking "what are you doing for Thanksgiving?" the trick is to not just be uncommitted, but to be inaudible. That's right. You want to sound nearly incoherent. You don't want the guilt, you don't want to defend your 1003 reasons you don't want to spend the day surrounded by your family, so don't. No confirmation of your plans necessary. Simply mumble something inaudible and quickly either change the subject or create an imaginary but distracting emergency.
2. The "Gotta run, didn't we already cover this?" strategy
When the follow up phone calls come, and they will, don't avoid the call. Pick up that phone and wait for the question, "So what are you doing for Thanksgiving again?" That's when you go into the "Uh oh, you know what? I gotta grab that. Didn't we already cover this? I'll catch ya later," and you quickly hang the phone up. Done. Now when the third call comes, and that will be very close to the holiday, you simply apologize and say, "Geez, we never really hammered that out did we? We got that last minute invite and we've already committed. In fact lil Tommy is supposed to carve the turkey. We'll send pictures. You know what? Gotta run." Done. Fork. You? Ain't with the wacko's for Turkey Day.
And if all else fails, you can always blame the Swine Flu. In bad taste? Absolutely. But we're talking about family and holidays. You gotta do what you gotta do.
