Okay. We've listened to little children, and near grown children reciting their Christmas list to us, since Halloween, thank you Hallmark for making Christmas a 3 month long hype for a one day holiday, but really...The truth of the matter is, there are some presents Santa just ain't gonna bring this year. And we don't care how nicely you ask, or how many cookies you leave out for those wore out and tired reindeer. (Should we really have 8 magical deers, running amok through the night sky, hopped up on sugar, bloaty, and cranky? Just something to think about).
To the 17 year old:: You aren't getting a tattoo for Christmas. I gave you life, I ain't branding you. Save up your own damn money, because 18 is just around the corner. Then? Knock yourself out.
Also to the 17 year old:: You aren't getting a face piercing. For Christmas. Or New Years. Or your birthday. Again, see the whole "18 is just around the corner" thing.
To the 8 year old:: Hey Cupcake, mama, we mean Santa, doesn't know how in the world to make red roller skates with pictures of Zebras all over them. And mama, we mean Santa, took a run around on Ebay...and guess what? They don't exist. So move on to the next item on the list sweetie.
To the annoying neighborhood kid:: Be happy you aren't getting an ass kicking for Christmas. Let's be real kiddo. We saw you on Halloween. You snatched that bag o' candy right out of your little sister's hands. Mmhm. Santa was watching. You think that's just a song? Well you can probably count on getting some coal and at the very least, some cheap ass socks and underwear from Kmart. You'll get it and you'll like it.
To Mom:: Guess what? I get that you don't have any money. I get that you hate spending money. I get that you've denounced Christmas as a commercial disaster. But um, Mom? There are little children in the family that still LIKE Christmas. And they are gonna keep liking Christmas. So if you wanna be a grinch? Have at it Mom. Hell, you're old enough you deserve a break. But don't come and visit my kids at Christmas, and as they unwrap presents talk about how commercialism sucks, and how their parents ain't got no sense. Consider that your present to me this year Mom.
There's a lot more stuff that Santa ain't brining this year. But we'll tell you what...these two elves? We're packing. We got our own flasks, so no matter who we encounter in this trying time of year? We've got plenty of spirit. You dig?
I dig! Bring it elves!
Posted by: Amy Akomas | 12/15/2009 at 06:01 PM
You are too dang funny....
Posted by: [email protected] | 12/15/2009 at 09:12 PM