ZoeyShea

Cupid who? New ebook AVAILABLE!

Listen up cupcakes.

We know there is a mental dilemna that occurs in your other halves brain every Valentine's Day, and we know it is usually the wrong choice that is spit out in response. 

We are here to save you from yourself and that worthless sweet little guy you are dating. 

See the box? mmhmm....

The box...upper right hand corner.

Yes... The one that says *ebook*. Enter your info. Confirm your email. and BOOM.

If you love it, and its helpful? Let us know.  We love feedback.

Much LOVE (minus CUPID)

Zoey Shea

Elin has a Suitcase :: Help her pack!

As we discussed in our previous post - *Hell hath no fury like an angry woman*  - it is an increased occurrence to meet an angry woman on the street. 

How many times do you meet an angry woman with a bank roll, a notion to drop cash on a Swedish McMansion and swanky luggage? 

EXACTLY. 

Word on the street is that Elin is ditching her transgression doused hubby and rollin her moving peeps outta *Tiger Country* with her artwork, furniture, rugs, lamps, door knobs, kids, dogs and kitchen sink. 

Like most nasty stories, you can bank that Zoey Shea has some advice to give to our latest angry woman. 

Listen up - Elin has a suitcase and she's PACKIN!

Here are some items we feel most fitting to pack into her swankilicous digs on casters.

PUMA gear :: Since your hubby did it? You can too.  Sleep with the {sports apparel} enemy girl. Can I get an AMEN? 

14 golf clubs :: mmhmm. One club for each not - so - hotty your hubby transgressed with.

1 Driver :: We aren't talkin about the one that hits the gas, we are talkin about the one that hits the golf ball. Just in case you ever decide to take the media's advice and use a driver instead of the 3 iron.

Keys to all the Buicks you can round up :: 

Keys to the YACHT ::

The number to Trope and Trope :: We understand that you will be needing this in the next few weeks. Good to have a back up in case a whipper snapper takes your smart phone for a dunk in the milk. 

Keys to the new McMansion :: 

The number to that global management consulting, technology services and outsourcing company :: You know? We hear they are looking for a new spokesperson. GO GIRL!

Fuzzy slippers :: For the Puma shoot.

Sparkly robe :: For the Puma shoot dressing room.

Back up fuzzy slippers :: Mama is gonna be relaxin after that Puma shoot.

The back account numbers :: After all, mama needs new shoes.

Copy of that * renegotiated* prenup :: Don't forget this one. You've been working hard on the revisions. May want to put this in a pocket for easy access.

This should get you going nicely on your way Elin. We are rootin' for ya. FO SHO! 

If you were Elin - What would you pack? 

The Zoey Shea truths 1-10 can be found in our free ebook. Click HERE to get your copy. We like you and because we do? We don't spam. You will need to enter in your name and email, confirm the email and then the quick, snarky book will be emailed to you. It's free until we're famous. 

Toilet Seats Invented

BREAKING NEWS - FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

In a shocking dislpay of dude-dom, Zoey Shea is here to announce that TOILET SEATS have just been invented.

There are two parts to the toilet seat.

Part 1 :: There is a part of the toilet seat that has a hole in the middle of it.  You know the one? The one mama uses? It is hinged to the back of the toilet and is attached to the actual potty and to part 2.

Part 2 :: The solid seat.  Mama uses this one too. Mmhmm. She uses it to put on her pantyhose, spanky spanks, socks, and most often you have seen mama on this seat cleaning out your dirty nose.

This new invention is here for a reason. Listen up.

example :: Ever drink out of a plastic bottle? The screw top you call a LID, you know, the one you PUT BACK ON?

example :: The car in the garage? When you change the oil and lift up the hood (AKA - LID) you close the LID when you are finished.

Well, you get the point.  Mama just fell in the toilet because you didn't put the LID BACK ON.

Keep it up offspring and you will find yourself in an outhouse, or to your surprise? You will find that mama bought some super glue and glued that LID SHUT.

Hell hath no fury like an angry woman

This has never been so dead on.  How many angry women do you know? We know a lot.  But lately they are popping up like Redenbacher's Popcorn.  

The media is full of them.  From reports of Mrs. Tiger Woods beating up her hubby with a golf club (still very ironic to us) to the now 9 women who have come out saying all kinds of things about Tiger and his romps - angry women are everywhere. 

Why? Well, maybe its because women are more responsible. Yes. We just said that. Personal issues aside, women take care of the kids, schoolwork, home issues, designing their homes, dealing with household chores - and apparently selecting the house of in which to live. 

Elin just did some *selecting* of her own and reportedly scored herself a mansion on an island. Heck, with the pay out she just reportedly latched onto, we would've just bought the island. 

Life Lesson #2004, brought to you by the innocent bystanders being bombarded with Tiger news. 

IF YOU WANT TO CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, OK. BUT NEVER CHEAT ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

 All of these women are freaking out over the *other* girlfriends, and quite honestly if they would all simmer down, Elin could get to furnishing that new mansion of hers. 

Life Lesson #2005, brought to you by Zoey Shea.

IF YOU THINK SLEEPING WITH A CELEBRITY THAT IS MARRIED IS A GOOD IDEA, YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

Really. The celebrity isn't going to leave their spouse. You aren't that special.  Save yourself the embarrassment and take a spa day.

Life Lesson #2006, brought to you by COMMON SENSE.

IF YOU WANT TO BE PUBLICLY HUMILIATED, TRUST PEOPLE.

MmmHmmm. Let's get real here folks. If you think you can cheat on your spouse and not get caught, you are mistaken. People talk. They have big mouths. You will get busted.  Bank your trust on the ring you have on that finger of yours and you will keep your job, your wealth, your house, and your family. 

And in light of all of this humor - We select this as the song of the week.... ENJOY!

Our Tiger Woods Blog Post

We are gonna jump on this band wagon for a second. 

First, for anyone living under a ROCK the past week, Tiger Woods, the world's most famed golfer, ran over a fire hydrant and busted up a tree. We are gonna add here that it was in his CADDIE, not his BUICK. #justsayin

Secondly, does anyone find it ironic that stories are circulating about his wife, Elin, busting him up with a 9 Iron? Really? Does this happen in real life? 

No. It doesn't.  The life Tiger Woods leads is NOT normal and therefore we shouldn't be all up in it. We get it that he loves to stay private, and rightfully so.  If we were married and dating 3 other people, we'd want to be private too. 

Every radio, news and cable channel has been glued to this story like super glue in between your fingers. But at the end of the day, aren't they just trying to take a dude down? 

We felt like we needed to add our 2 cents into the mix. But the real judos here needs to go out to Elin's attorneys.  She is hooked up like a tow truck to the cash pile her hubby is rolling around in and 20 million to act happy? Ain't so bad. *hi 5*

Moral of this story :: Don't cheat on your spouse, and if you do - pay her off. CARRY ON!!

Screws and Nuts

We got an email from a gent who has been having an issue with a *broom riding relative* stalking his sweet innocent Facebook page.

You've had these type. They stalk you- demean your kids, your pictures, poke you and then talk about your alcohol loving weekend when they KNOW your boss is watching.

Well we must agree that the situation is definately amplified when you unfortunately are related to them. So? Listen up lil biscuit.

Facebook is the place for friends.

Typing slow ::

Facebook...is...the....place....for...friends.

We don't care if they are related. Or if they think your friends are drunks. Just because you are related, doesn't make then your friends.

Apply this old sorority girl mantra ::

Friends by chance :: sisters by choice

You? Ain't that lucky. Solution: *remove from friends*, blame Myspace for a Facebook fail and don't look back.

Nuts not rolling far from the tree will just screw you in the end.

Leave My Tweets Alone :: Tweetjackin Should Be a Crime

When zoeyshea.com launched on August 31st, 2009, we wondered if people would get it. Would they come to our website, submit their stories,  or ask for advice so we could help them? Didn't take long.  Nope.

Within minutes of the site launch, we had a victimized lad desribing the horror of getting #tweetjacked on the social networking site- Twitter.com Poor fella!  Since we don't mention names here and we are kinda responsible for the latest game we happily refer to as #tweetjackin - we felt it reasonable to address his issue. 

First:  *hands gold star to dude victimized* To answer the question properly we must look into the realms of darkness and come to terms with the site in question.  In the wild, bears rely on water sources for hydration and food. Yes, food. *Think salmon.*  Bears see a yummy, tasty salmon swimming up stream trying to get to the sacred ground of happy, hottie chicks waiting to spawn...but then?  GULP! No more salmon. Why?  The answer to this lies in the basic precept of, "yummy, yummy to my tummy."  Yeah- we might be carazy. 

But the moral of the story is simple.  Dude- you must be famous. Pure. Simple. Famous. #tweetjackin is not meant to cause mental anquish.  It's meant as a "mixer" of sorts.  And you sir?  Must be a pretty tasty salmon in the stream. Pickin up what we're putting down?!?   It's not your fault you rock! Or, that others want to be like you. Heck- it could be a whole lot worse. 

Don't let those #tweetjackin insulters get you down. They are just helpin you gain fame. *This post is brought to you via our website. Most notably because this abused fella keeps getting his nerves grinded by several incessant RT and #tweetjackin tendancies from other tweeps. 

Chillax! Could be worse. You? Could be called a Tool.